My Child Won’t Listen… to Me…

Some years ago my daughter and I were training to compete at the US National Karate Championships. My daughter was in her teens while I was approaching the sunset of my competition days. By this time, I had been competing successfully for decades, getting to be part of the Peruvian National Karate Team, and many years later, also part of the USA National Karate Team.

For some reason, I thought that I knew what I was talking about when I was coaching my daughter. But, did I mention that she was a teenager? Right, every time I gave her direction, I got an eye roll, some huffing and puffing, and my directions were mostly ignored. I wanted to say “Hey, I know what I’m doing, why are you fighting me on everything I say?” But I knew better, I knew that taking that route would get me nowhere. Instead, I asked another instructor whom she held in high esteem to act as my “translator”. Without my daughter’s knowledge, I told him to coach my daughter by simply relating my instructions to her. Amazingly, she now welcomed the feedback, she listened and happily applied my coaching… as long as it was not coming from “dad”.

I often tell this story to parents that come to me asking why their children listen to “Sensei” (me), but not to them, even though we are all saying the same thing. So I tell them not to take it personally, many children simply need to hear the message from a third party to actually be received. When children, youth, or even adults find a good role model (aside from their parents), someone they can trust, we are much more receptive to listening and learning from them.

Try this technique when you encounter resistance from your child. Enroll a third party, someone the child looks up to, to relate the information and see magic happen. It is said that it takes a village to raise a child, I just think it takes committed parents and good role models who will help you along the way.